regina again.

You can hear this song and think of me. the "I" is you.

Somedays aren't yours at all
They come and go as if they're someone else's days
They come and leave you behind someone else's face
And it's harsher than yours
And colder than yours.
They come in all quiet, sweep up, and then they leave
And you don't hear a single floor board creak.
They're so much stronger than the friends you try to keep by your side.
Downtown, downtown.
I'm not here, not anymore.
I've gone away.
Don't call me, don't write.

I'm watching old videos, peering back at what I made, wondering when it will be okay to say hello again. Please say hello again soon. I have secrets I need to tell. And listening to you say those wonderful things you said makes me want to be for you again. But I know I can't be yet. It's frustrating and stupid. And I want all of your friends to know that you're all that matters and that no one has ever been better than us. I want my friends to know it too. And the fact that I'm still referring to you as "you" is also frustrating. But it's all I know.

On the not depressing side of my life, my boss is setting up a meeting for me with the head of the publicity department of HarperOne in San Francisco. She also knows someone at Jossey-Bass in San Francisco. And, because of her, I feel like my life may actually begin soon. It's somehow liberating at the same time that it is suffocating. My dream is to work for Chronicle Books though. Not because I think I'd make more money there. I actually think I'd make less. But I just love the books they make. They're beautiful, and I feel like reading them at coffee tables and in small bookstores that play Mozart. Also, my first column for the Daily Bruin comes out Wednesday. And I have a Westwind meeting tomorrow which should be really interesting (discussions of J.F.). And I've made some new friends and rekindled old friendships. Of course, there's always going to be that hole, but I'm starting to think that since I'm not the only one suffering from it, it's a little better.