unedited and nonsensical.

Some things just happen so quickly. You don't even know how far you've come from where you started until you are halfway through your next leap. I generally find it impossible to figure out what I'm doing until I am able to step back and take a look at things in a larger sense. I certainly know that I have made some mistakes in my time - mostly small, some larger.

But right now, I'm looking at myself from afar and I don't know what the hell it is that I am doing. Is it wrong? Is it right? I already know that, if I am doing something wrong, I have done it very wrong. But if I am doing something right, I certainly have a roundabout way of doing it. I just wish I had some sort of concrete definition of all the things I feel.

I just don't want to be ashamed of the truth anymore. I don't want to carry around two versions of myself. I want to reconcile the two amazing people that I am so that I can finally make someone else truly happy. Because as things are right now, all I am able to do is superficial. I have the ability to be happy - even to make someone else happy - but I am not happy. Not in the more general sense. And that's all I want to be. Completely, undebatably, pristinely happy. Maybe I need a new slate for that, maybe I just need some new self-awareness. All I know is that I can't stop where I am. I have to keep going. And it hurts. And it may seem pointless. In the end, though, I just want to come full circle and find that I can confidently determine my own happiness. I suppose, however, that that all depends on the forgiveness of others who I've left behind.