purposiveness without a purpose.

I feel like shit and... I hate my life and... I really just don't want to be stuck in my hot apartment all by myself, but... I need this. Unfortunately.

I want to go home so badly. The homesickness has been building for quite some time. But now I just want my house and all of that familiarity and comfort so so badly. I want to be reminded of where I came from and where I can come back to. It makes me so sad I can't breathe for short intervals of time. Yes, I'm a baby.

On Mother's Day, I decided to go run errands. I ended up at Trader Joe's buying groceries. As I was standing in line, I saw a girl who I recognized from the Daily Bruin. She was standing next to her mother while the grocery checker scanned all of their items. She picked up an organic chocolate bar and asked her mom if they could split it. Her mom smiled and put it on the counter. I just felt numb and then I felt my eyes start to sting with tears. Later that day, Leslie returned home from brunch with her family. The door swung open, and I immediately asked her, "Hey, how was your Mother's Day?" I didn't even wait for her to answer. I just burst into tears and started laughing at the same time. "I miss my mom!" And then we both laughed and cried a bit together, talking about how much we loved our mothers.

Anyway, my point is that I try not to think about home too often. Most of the time it has no effect on me. I'm in a sort of denial about how close I am with my family. I try to play it off like I don't care because it makes life much easier to deal with. But, all the sudden, I acknowledged it. All the sudden, I decided to admit how much I lack here. And realizing that you've spent 3 years lacking something, that you still have one more year to go, that you have no way of reconciling that gap? Well, that just feels like shit.

So here I am. I'm stuck on the edge of something and nothing. But, like I said... I need this. Unfortunately.