dizziness.

Points of Confusion (a.k.a. Why I Think I Am Neurotic):

I went to see a professor today to talk about my thesis proposal. Actually giving voice to my ideas with someone who could help me shape them sent me into this frenzy of self-consciousness about the futility of my research. I am sick of being this whiny, scared girl. I want to be sure that my ideas are worthy. How can I do that? Hopefully, my chronicles of thesis writing will help me discover this for myself. I am so fucking tired of hearing myself complain. I need to change. Somehow, I feel like this new change in me is only just beginning. I feel like the road to becoming a more positive person is so so long. It would be so much easier to resign myself to this. But no.

I basically quit being a columnist. I don't like being talked down to, I certainly don't like my time being disrespected, and I do not respond well to passive aggressiveness (I have a Southern mother, I promise she's better at it than you. Even trying passive aggressiveness on a Southerner is just absurd if you're not Southern yourself). At the same time, I know that I can only blame my own laziness for "disappointing" people. It's just that I don't give a shit about the Daily Bruin. It's a joke. I knew that leaving the editorship and accepting a real internship in a world outside of Kerckhoff Hall would open up crazy new perspectives for me, I just don't think I realized the real implications of this. The Daily Bruin is currently undergoing a "hyperlocalization" shift. This means that the paper is attempting to focus solely on UCLA/college issues. To me, this is so small and meaningless. It's like writing for the Burlingame Daily News. And, you know what, that's great for some people, living in a bubble makes the world more manageable for them. But for me, I can't make every issue relate back to Los Angeles and UCLA. I shouldn't have to. I shouldn't have to qualify why I care about something just because it may affect me personally. So fuck that. I care about women's repression in Iran because I can. I care about coups in Africa because I want to. I don't care about the pope visiting and Catholics on campus. Sorry guys. So I'm officially resigning from that world. For these reasons and also because you have no idea how retarded the paper will be next year. I'd rather keep my distance from that immature, power playing world.

Finally, things are all in a mess with Joe. I always get this way. I think it's part of my neuroses, but I always doubt my own happiness. I don't understand people who live in euphoric bubbles of romance. I also don't know if I can ever fully accept anyone's faults. Brian used to have no sense of when a joke was too much. It was fine if we were by ourselves (most of the time), but it would sometimes embarrass me like crazy around my friends and parents. Brian and I also started out very similar and grew apart so much over three years. We got new friends, new stories, new interests and all of them were completely incompatible. I worry a lot about whether these changes are inevitable in relationships, whether you can ever be good enough for someone else or whether they can ever really be good enough for you. I think of how I can make myself accept someone else into my life. I think of how much easier it would be to never compromise.