construct some sort of narrative.

I spent last night in San Juan Capistrano at a large Brazilian BBQ in a beautiful house with interesting people and good music.

I feel like I've had a lot of caffeine today because I am so jittery, and there is this fire burning within me. Music sounds more upbeat, food tastes sweeter, places and people are full of interesting charm, books make more sense. But it's not the caffeine. It's butterflies.

Also, Caroline's party was successful.

I just love everything so much right now. I feel like a new world has opened up for me. And, yes, it hurts to say it, but I made the best decision of my life. I've fucked up a lot in the last twenty years (though more so in the last 5-10), but now I feel like it's time to make things right again. I also think I may be beginning to take myself too seriously. Hearing the way that I talk, you'd think I would have been reading too many academic journals coupled with too much avant garde poetry (it's kind of true though). But really, it has a lot to do with my current English teacher, Professor Dimuro. The way he speaks is so inspiring to me - it's very visual and he adds up a lot of adjectives and nouns which attempt to capture concepts that would otherwise be incommunicable. I actually feel myself beginning to emulate it. It's starting to scare me. Not only that, but I am beginning to adopt concepts of the modern period into my life with no personal foundation for them. It's hopelessness founded on hopelessness, which I really think characterizes our generation. We're the apathetic ones, the ones who have experienced so little and who are so removed from the wars of our world. Today's youngsters are all about self-discovery, but they have no concrete experience with which to discover themselves. So they take trips to Europe, take time off of school, read lots of beat poets - they manufacture life experience. I have no solution; I'm just a part of the problem.

And a final note to self: Go to Brazil.