In case you haven't noticed (you probably haven't), I have erased most of my blog entries. I did this in an attempt not to forget the past, but rather to reflect on it in a way not affected by nostalgia and lost memories.
However, for my own personal growth and self-exploration, I just wanted to bring this back:
"What have I done?
I just keep looking out the window, hoping for a second chance. But to do what? To mess up again? To fool everyone? To feel like I don’t deserve to be alive?
Is it worth it to not know who I am any longer? Maybe I need this. Maybe it’s time I stop filling my heart with the same lies and start filling it with things I haven’t discovered yet. But I don’t deserve to. I don’t deserve anything. I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want to be with people.
Fuck this."
Even though I never explained this at the time, this post came out of an enormous fight with Brian which really should have signalled our break up. Instead, we dragged it out for 4 months and then 4 more on top of that. And that's not to say we didn't still have some amazing times that made those 8 months worthwhile. I think my reserved care for him will always be present and I'll always be grateful to him. It's just that I am realizing now how I tried to be so much like him: I tried to deny what was going on and idealize the situation. When I couldn't, I would chalk it up to the weather, to my period, to my schoolwork.
But looking at this now, I realize that I really do need to be alone. In the short while that I have felt completely unattached, I feel more confident than I have in months. I even feel more like the me I used to be. So that proves that us women don't need a man to tell us we're beautiful. In fact, it usually only proves to make you question yourself. Anyhow, being an emotionally stable person, I can see how terrible all of this was. I guess I've just always been good at rationalizing, at denying the truth. Maybe I should be a lawyer after all.
And I've already decided that my next entry will be about women's issues, something I've been getting back into in a big way recently. Let me just get around to it. For now, I am still working on this huge essay and finishing two 300-page novels. And, oh yes, work tomorrow. When do I stop being this busy and start being annoyed that I am no longer this busy?
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