never seeing in front of me.

Now that all of the excitement has died down, I'm sitting alone in my apartment with no bed and very little furniture of my own. Two of my roommates have gone on a retreat to Las Vegas, another is working full-time in Simi Valley, and Rebecca will be home later this evening. I feel strangely at peace here in my now-empty room, filled with light and the sounds of birds outside the window.

On Friday, we had a big graduation party at my apartment. Alex and I smoked and fell asleep on the couch. Saturday, I went to Caroline's graduation and then to Leslie's party in Simi. Alex, Caroline, and I went to a party at Zach's that night as well. I fell asleep in Leslie's room and woke up to my alarm telling me I had to graduate again on Sunday. Sunday's graduation was emotional: all of us cried at different points and we held hands before reaching the stage. It is in moments like those that I wonder how I will ever split my love down the middle, how I will ever negotiate my two separate lives: one in Northern California, one in Southern. My favorite professor flew back to Los Angeles from D.C. to attend graduation, and I was incredibly excited to talk with him again.

That evening, I came home with my parents, packed away all of my things, and mopped beer and food off of the sticky kitchen floor. Then I fell asleep on the couch and woke up with the television on, alone, wondering where I was. My apartment no longer felt like a home to me in the darkness, in the huge living room filled with nothing but large pieces of furniture. I drove to Agoura to be with Alex that night. We went swimming until midnight. I haven't felt badly since then. I'm only reminded of all of the love I have in my life and all of the joy I want to spread and be a part of.

Last night, after dinner with Nina and Caroline, I started to feel sick and I've been battling that back ever since then. I'm feeling better now, but I just want to sit in bed and read 2666 all day. I think I may just do that between finally showering and then getting ready to go out to a wine bar with Ambs tonight.

Only four days left in Los Angeles. Nothing is clear. Nothing is clean. I wonder what will become of me.