This has been a wonderful weekend, completely liberating from all of the stresses of work.
But now the week begins again, and I'd like to close out this fabulous weekend with a self-indulgent, confused, personal saga of all the ways I need to figure my life out:
I don't know what else I can say here except that I am sure I've made a lot of trouble for myself in my life. I'm still debating whether or not I should forget about relationships and become asexual for a while. I was literally weighing the pros and cons of becoming a nun today. One of the plusses was a lifetime devotion to one individual who will always be faithful and loving and help you discover a higher purpose. One of the minuses was that black washes me out.
And I still go back and forth on my job, on publishing, on Ireland, on my future. I need a reason to wake up on Monday morning other than the fact that I just bought a new box of cereal I'm excited to try. What job can ever do that for me? When will I find my niche?
The other day at work, I realized that I would like everything a lot more if I were just closer with the people that I work with. I've had a hard time bonding with people for some reason. I think it's because our personalities just don't mesh as well as they should. I've only found two people I truly enjoy being around, and one of them is out of the office every other day and runs an entire division, and I never get to see him. The other is on a two-week vacation. But even despite these two people, what's the point in getting to know me? I'm leaving in four weeks, so why should anyone care? Or at least that's the vibe that I get. It's probably a defense mechanism.
I'm not the kind of person who gets along with everyone. I'm actually very hard to please. When I'm feeling lonely, I'm really good at being something I'm not and pretending that I enjoy the people I'm around. The problem with this is that I am about 98% sure this version of me is insanely boring. And it's what a lot of people around me seem like, and I hate that. But when I meet the right person, who understands and shares my eccentricities, who will laugh with me about stupid stuff, who won't stick to one-subject conversations, who will go shopping with me, and try new things with me, and not be afraid of having a three-martini lunch and eating vegan, well then I'll know I'm in the right place. And when I meet the right person, I too become the right version of myself, and then I'm much more fun to be around.
For now, I think the money makes this internship worth it. In the future, it is much more about the type of books the company publishes, the senses of humor of my colleagues, the size of the company, the free time I am given, the creativity.
I'm not happy with this job. I won't lie. And that really upsets me because I had such high expectations, and I still pretend to have them with everyone I work with. I'm not going to blame it on publishing. I'm going to blame it on the academic audience and the city of San Francisco. I've always thought I belonged more in New York. I hate how relaxed and laid back everything is here. It makes my work feel unimportant.
So here I am. I'd ask for help, but this one I have to figure out all on my own.
7.28.2008
let's go outside.
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3 comments:
1) What's wrong with the only reason for waking up in the morning being cereal? Cereal is delicious. I haven't had cereal in a long time come to think of it. It's a pretty fun word to say too. I'm mildly addicted to reading the boxes. I always wonder if everyone else is. Maybe you should get a job as an editor for cereal boxes. Someone's got to do it. Come to think of it, cereal is really aimed at kids. Why isn't there a "New Yorker" of cereal? There's got to be a market for a cereal with fresh, witty banter and political satire to get the day started. I wonder if this exists. Whole Foods would have it if it does. I must look!
2) Sorry to hear you hate your job.
3) But you should go to Ireland. Go right now.
4) A nun is a great cover alias if you really want to be a superhero. You could be, like, a reverse Batman.
1) That's actually kind of brilliant, but they would only be able to make limited amounts and would have to print a new one like every week. omg that would be so cool. please make this so i can buy it. Or maybe I can make it and then that can be my direction in life.
2) Eh. I need to quit bitching.
3) I wish. School will not let me.
4) Wow. Just wow.
Well, the target demographic (I would think) isn't going to be the kind of person who stocks up on cereal for the month. It be more like the twice weekly Whole Foods shopper.
In fact, if you could leverage the Whole Foods supply chain... it's probably possible. It could be the most progressive cereal on the market. Updated weekly, all organic, sold exclusively at organic markets, only comes in a small package, etc..
Well? What are you waiting for. I just gave you a million dollar idea. You seem to be good with words. Draft up a proposal of some sort and send it off to Whole Foods.
You can be the Ariana Huffington of cereal boxes. And lets face it--cereal is way more delicious than web pages.
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