poetry and desire.

My plans keep moving back and forth. The other day, Rebecca called me from France and said that she had always thought that I should go to a small liberal arts college - that I liked English too much to be just another English major en route to law school here at UCLA. The truth is, I couldn't agree more. I was just never given that opportunity because I couldn't afford it in high school. But in graduate school, there are many more sources of funding. Plus, it only takes one year to get an M.A. in English if you do it full time.

So for the last few days, I've been researching Harvard, Columbia, Yale, Brown, and Princeton University's Graduate programs.

Today, as I was talking with my thesis advisor about the summer and my plans, he mentioned that he is the Vice Chair of the department. And then, all the sudden, I realized that I could probably do it. I could probably go to graduate school and love it. Relish every moment.

As a freshman, I never could have pictured myself at a private school. The truth is, I didn't appreciate learning as much as I thought I did. I had coffee with my English TA once, and she suggested that I think about doing graduate study in English. At the time, the thought seemed absurd. I think she picked me off the tree too early. If a TA said that to me today, I'd probably think much differently, even consider getting my Ph.D.

It's strange how much college has made me grow intellectually. It's even stranger that I have had to make many of these opportunities myself. Many of my peers are here to get the grades, drink the beer, move along. But I'm actually making myself work my ass off. That way, after it's all over, I know it was worth every penny.

Only, I didn't really realize that I was creating more problems for myself. Now I love it so much that I almost can't see myself any other way.

So I'm moving back and forth. Publishing? Ireland? Graduate school and then publishing? Becoming a professor? I don't know what is right anymore. I just know that I am... confused. And I want time to do everything. Everything.