Today, while waiting for my next class to start, I decided to walk to one of my favorite nooks of campus (it's a secret location, I don't want anyone else to know about it). My stomach growled, so I began to calculate whether I could afford buying coffee to help me through the next five hours of class I had left (earlier this morning, I checked my bank account, and it kind of freaked me out). Then my thoughts shifted to how I would ever earn money again. Then I thought of how far away Europe is. Then I thought of the GREs. Of PhDs. Of languages I want to learn. Of places I'd like to travel. Of Chicago. Of Portland. Of New York. Of Nashville. Of balancing all of this. Of other people I know who have jobs. Of living in Berkeley. Of affording to live in Berkeley. Of re-registering my car. Of getting out of shape. Of a certain boy. Of men. Of the next generation of powerful women. Of the brevity of life, how all of these things will never get done.
And I began to hyperventilate. I lost my appetite and had to lie down because my vision went blurry.
Then I systematically put barriers around myself for the next year. I put them around San Francisco, Berkeley, and Los Angeles. I told myself to stay within the confines of these 370 miles just for the time being.
Then I tore them all down when I found out I have an offer to teach English in China.
So I'm back where I started, only this time with my sight set much farther in the distance.
5.27.2009
it feels the way you told me it would always feel.
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4 comments:
Careful with those teach English in China/Korea offers. Unless you are teaching at a state funded school, it's note quite what you think. In both China and Korea there are essentially English camps called "hagwons" where you teach kids for like 2 weeks at a time. It's very commercial. There's also a good chance that you don't get paid.
I appreciate the concern, Aaron, but it's through a reputable organization UCLA recommended to me. Still, I don't think I'd fit in too well in China, and I don't really feel like adjusting myself to it anyway. Blah. I'm much more European, and I don't even feel guilty about it. Okay, maybe a little. But I try not to. Because I think that white American philanthropist BS is a huge problem among college students. They think they need to save the world, but it's actually just insulting to other cultures. Well, I have no problem saying I would MUCH rather live in the places that I study in my English classes than anywhere in Asia or Africa or any other continent we tend to pity.
Maybe I'm looking at this all wrong. Maybe that's why I shouldn't go in the first place. I hate the world.
I spent both a summer semester and an additional Fall semester beyond my 4-years taking intro classes because I took too many core econ classes (I had like 15 credits that ended up "not counting" because apparently you can only take so many classes in your major before they stop counting, weird I know).
Anyway, one class was International Affairs... like IA 101. There was this girl that was always like, "OMG! DARFUR! Someone should do something! I totally would go myself if I could." She always made this excuse that it was too far, or she didn't want to throw money at, didn't have the money to make a difference, that she actually wanted to be on the ground, whatever. Blah, blah, blah. Some valley girl from California who probably drove around in a brand new Benz or some crap anyway.
At this point I'd become quite vocal in class, which was new since I basically spent 4 years not even going to class... like ever, but now that it was over I was having fun just goofing around and talking to people. I knew I wasn't going to fail, and I didn't have much else to do so I went to class and sort of lead discussions and what not. Odd, I know. I probably should have done that for the 4 years before.
Anyway, on one of the last days of class we watched a movie about Rwanda and talked about how that same shit was happening in Darfur, and she started running her mouth. I had this planned for some time now, and I started waving my arms in the back of the class and said something to the effect, "Bullshit. If you really want to help, go there and help, and stop talking about it. Right now. Pack up and leave if it's so important to you." To which she remarked something about it being, "Too expensive" and "I would if I could." I offered her $5,000 to actually go there and help. I pulled out a check, actually made it out to her, and told her that I would give it to her on Monday if she paid for airfare, or even at least showed me an itinerary. Everyone was all like, "WTF?"
Guess who didn't show up on Monday, for the rest of the term (only a week and a half) and made "special arrangements" to take her final because she was too embarrassed? Yeah. Her. Good thing too, because that check would have bounced... but that wasn't the point.
I totally LOLed reading that, and I don't LOL, okay? That's an amazing story. I was going to add a few tidbits about my own experiences with pseudo-concerned college students, but I think that just summed everything up perfectly.
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