mumbling.

I disappeared for a while. All the sudden, my mind stopped working at a million miles per hour. I went home last weekend, and I relaxed and let go of everything for a while. It was completely liberating. I plan to live like that from now on. I spent time in Berkeley, getting coffee, eating Indian food, at the beach, in the rain, meeting a random array of people.

I am travelling to Seattle for Spring Break now. My former boss invited me to stay with her on Bainbridge Island (in my own guest house!), and I'm really looking forward to it. Still planning to go to wine country though as well. I'll also be spending some time in the City with former co-workers and old friends.

I registered for the Wisconsin conference, so there is no turning back. I am missing a camping trip with the lit mag, but I figure this has more bearing on my future. I am sending out the official application for Ireland. I am going to get a byline in an encyclopedia, getting an internship next quarter, almost done with my thesis, reading lots of poetry, taking French II, taking the GRE, do I need to go on? I'm stressed out to the point of completely collapsing.

And in the middle of all of this, I think of next year. I think of the "rest of my life." It is all too much, too much to even imagine. Here I am, four years later, making life-altering decisions again.

Yesterday, as I stood at the top of Hilgard, I tried to rationalize why I have this need to escape the country. Why couldn't I just settle for New York? It would be a whole lot more simple. But when I think of who I have been in this country, the person who has evolved, I want something else, something more. I want nothing of what I know.