venice beach.

Show, don't tell. Show, don't tell. Things are moving by me meaninglessly quickly. I feel so small. What is the purpose? What is the end result? I may never get back to where I was and the worst part about it is that I don't know whether or not I want to go back to the way things were or not. I never thought I would be someone to not see things in clear-cut ways. What can I say, I'm spoiled, I guess. But now it's like I'm right back where I was - in a different context, of course - feeling the exact same way, not knowing whether or not anything is good or bad or sad or happy or smart or stupid.

I only wanted this time for myself. I never meant to bring anyone else into this mess. But now it's too late. All this does is reinforce my resolution that all I am able to do is hurt people. I miss making people feel good. It makes me feel so happy to know that I have the ability to make others feel as though they have found some meaning, some consistency in this world. But, right now, I need to do some things for myself. If I stop now, I will never find a way out of the unrequited.

Also on my mind: I am considering transferring to Berkeley for a semester next year. I'm not sure how possible this is, but L.A. is suffocating. And I feel like I'm counting down the days. L.A. is where I make all of my worst mistakes.