five roads.

Today, Brett pointed out to me that I kept contradicting myself. I hate ordering people around. I love ordering people around. I hate law school. I love law school. I know what I'm doing. I have absolutely no idea.

And a few days ago, one of my columnists e-mailed me and told me that my dreams couldn't fall apart unless I let them. I wanted so badly to believe that was true. But something tells me that it isn't my dreams that are falling apart, it is my values and hopes and the very foundations that created those dreams.

As they fall apart, I pull back and forth, between two extremes. I want success, but I forget what I want to define that success by. The number of books published? The number of zeros in my paycheck? The number of hours I have to spend with the people I love? The number of designer shoes in my closet? The number of smiles I give to others? So many questions that I will never have the answer to until I step out into the world and open my eyes. The only problem is that my publishing life will only begin in New York City, my law life would begin God knows where, and any other path I choose will lead me a million other, divergent, contradicting ways.

So I think of what I value the most and I shift back and forth between love, happiness, personal satisfaction, and intellectual/professional growth. Which leaves me with a million ways to go.

I want someone to tell me what to do. But I also know that there are some things a woman has to decide on her own.