meditation 14.

So I was watching a show that I refuse to name out of personally inflicted shame, and the "narrator" said something really pseudo-deep like: "It may be frustrating to not get what you want, but the saddest people are those who don't know what it is they are chasing after."

And, okay, that's really stupid and Dawson's Creek sounding, but I hate how true it is. Right now, I am very much in a transitional stage in my life: I am between jobs, between relationships, between school years, between living situations, between the two and a half-week span I give myself before I am allowed to do laundry again.

It's hard to decide which things are worth moving forward on and which things are better left untainted. Take, for example, my job at the Daily Bruin. Do I let it all go and pursue something wildly different, or do I stick around, gaining more comfortable and valuable experience? And I will tell you that, despite my youthful and free-thinking vibes, I am starting to re-think the philosophy that it's always better to move on and broaden your experiences. Sometimes its better to stay where you are and let things ebb and branch across your memory like water dropped, pinpointed - and then refuses to stay put- as it creeps across a paper napkin. Sometimes, this allows you to reaccess the damage you've done. And while you may not be able to fix all the stupid shit you did when you started, at least you can apologize for it.

I guess my point is that I don't know what I'm chasing after right now. I just know that I'm chasing. Seeing this in myself, I know I need to stop and breathe for a moment; I know I need to take the time to figure out where that stupid yellow tape is that's marked with "Finish," that's marked with, "Okay, Carrie, you can be happy now."