you lied and now i can't stop thinking.

Birthdays come and go. They pile up and you forget them. Sometimes you sleep right through them. They arrive and disappear, and each year, it feels the same. I remember thinking not even six months ago that I would never worry about getting old. But as I watch television and read books, I'm constantly reminded of time passing and the fact that I've accomplished so little that I've set out to accomplish. I hate birthdays because they remind you of that. When I get to the birthday where I can say I've finished grad school, live in a place I love, have a job that challenges me/own my own business, and am surrounded by people I love, maybe then it will be a cause for celebration. This year, it was a farewell birthday.

It's been a really tough year for me: I let go of a damaging, cyclical relationship that was going nowhere; I graduated college into the worst job market in decades; I had to let go of my independence and move home for a while; I said goodbye to many of my friends who graduated.

But it's also been a wonderful year for me: I took action and am going to New Zealand, I fell in love with myself and met someone new, I let go of resentments from past relationships, I met new friends, I got an internship at a pub house I love, I went out a lot and finally discovered Los Angeles on my own terms, I resolved disputes with my friends, I wrote a thesis, I presented a thesis, and so on.

Looking at the list, I see the good outweighs the bad. I know this is only because I let go of past hurts. I know that this is something I must do in the future. I refuse to sleep through my next birthday. Instead, I hope to celebrate the small triumphs of my year and hopefully some larger ones too. And I hope I can get over the fact that he hurt me and move on with my life so I can restore my faith in relationships once again. It always breaks down and builds back up again, and I've done it over and over. That's how I know it will be okay.