calm black coffee.

I miss the days when getting wasted was a privilege and not a pre-requisite to a fabulous weekend. With this in mind, I have resolved to stay in and bond with myself tonight and to bond with my friends tomorrow over some painting and Lost/Arrested Development.

Tonight, I have also resolved to resolve the following in my next relationship (if I ever have another serious relationship because, seriously, waaaaay too much work): I don't want to ever feel like I have to explain why I love someone. As soon as you ask someone that cliched phrase, "Why do you love me?" you have killed the love. I will never again attempt to quantify the amount that I care for someone. In fact, I would be so happy to never say "I love you" again (except to family, of course, because that is a different kind of love, an assumed love). If you really do love someone, those words are unnecessary. The word love, as Addie Bundren explains, was made up and is used by people who are trying to make up for a lack of it in their lives. I don't want to hear about it. I like to express myself in subtle, romantic ways. Not overtly. Not in rigid lines. I don't want to have to shape my mouth a specific way, to place my tongue against the back of my top teeth, to even begin to form that liquid sound the same way that every other lover does for every other lover. I have always wanted a unique "love," a singular, unquantifiable, unjustifiable passion for another person. So why should I have to fit all of that into one word that means the same thing to millions of other people? I do not think that I love the same way that the girl that lives across the hall from me does. And she doesn't love the same way the boy on the first floor loves. So why, then, is this word so revered as the only way to say what we feel? I say, fuck it. I say, never again. And if that upsets whoever I end up with, well, I guess they don't have the same perception of love that I do. And if our definitions of love can't square up, then, well, we wouldn't last anyway.