go ahead.

This made my day:
http://www.sfgate.com/columnists/asmussen/

I've been really depressed and tired since I left home. I hate L.A. and I hate being reminded of that. If I just stay here for long enough, I get used to being satisfied with smog and traffic. Then I see other places and realize I'm totally wasting my time. Just three weeks to go. I can't count down fast enough.

i should really be asleep.

I'm kind of obsessed with this Bangers & Cash song, "B.O.O.T.A.Y."

B.O.O.T.A.Y
You ain't got no alibi
You ugly
Yeah, yeah
Bitch, fuck me
Yeah, yeah

Look at that bootay.

I should definitely be asleep. I have to be awake in 4 hours for a 7 am flight. But, instead, I am up working on my huge thesis proposal due tomorrow morning. Actually, fuck this. I'm going to skip class tomorrow and do this instead. Ugh, so tired. I don't want to go back to L.A........

is like this.

I am at home. Content here, as always. I have tons of work to do, so that sucks. But worse things have happened to people. My parents keep cooking me vegan food, and even though they seem a bit disapproving, they're being very supportive. My cat is being ridiculously cute, except she was sitting in the laundry basket wheezing earlier.

In other news, my brother just brought his new girlfriend home and they're sleeping in the same room. What a fucked up double standard from my parents. Fucking fuck that. Whatever.

I am also realizing that I love little kids. I used to hate them.

The other day I was in line at Border's on Westwood Blvd. and in front of me this little kid was speaking in French to his mom. Then this little girl got in line behind me. She was about his age, very cute, with long brown curly hair. She tugged on her dad's arm and said "Daddy, I'm going to go jogging." The boy peered around me to see her. He just stared and smiled and shifted his weight from his left to his right foot and back again. Then the girl took off and ran around the bookcases, disappearing. So the little French boy turns to his mom and grabs her hand. "Mommy, is... is... jogging-?" Then he stops. "What, sweetie?" He just shakes his head and looks at his feet. He blushes a little and looks in the girl's dad's direction. "Is jogging faster than galloping?"

that's on page 25.

Stripper puppy: Just tryin' to make some cash to support his brothers and sisters. His mother left the pack alone when they were 3 months old, and now they're all toughing it out in the real world. Poor little guy.

I'd also like to throw in here (on the sly perhaps) that honesty is an amazing thing to have with the people you love. That's all. Totally unrelated.

tired and stuff.

I'm flying home this weekend, which I am totally excited about. Memorial Day weekends never really make much sense for me to take considering that I will be finishing school in 3.5 weeks. I just need to see my Sammy and pet my kitty and relax for a while. It'll be nice. Oh, and boba. I almost forgot boba. How could I?

april to may.

Oh, I'm so at peace with the world. It's like I just jumped into that freezing cold pool in Berkeley only it's 95 degrees outside.

purposiveness without a purpose.

I feel like shit and... I hate my life and... I really just don't want to be stuck in my hot apartment all by myself, but... I need this. Unfortunately.

I want to go home so badly. The homesickness has been building for quite some time. But now I just want my house and all of that familiarity and comfort so so badly. I want to be reminded of where I came from and where I can come back to. It makes me so sad I can't breathe for short intervals of time. Yes, I'm a baby.

On Mother's Day, I decided to go run errands. I ended up at Trader Joe's buying groceries. As I was standing in line, I saw a girl who I recognized from the Daily Bruin. She was standing next to her mother while the grocery checker scanned all of their items. She picked up an organic chocolate bar and asked her mom if they could split it. Her mom smiled and put it on the counter. I just felt numb and then I felt my eyes start to sting with tears. Later that day, Leslie returned home from brunch with her family. The door swung open, and I immediately asked her, "Hey, how was your Mother's Day?" I didn't even wait for her to answer. I just burst into tears and started laughing at the same time. "I miss my mom!" And then we both laughed and cried a bit together, talking about how much we loved our mothers.

Anyway, my point is that I try not to think about home too often. Most of the time it has no effect on me. I'm in a sort of denial about how close I am with my family. I try to play it off like I don't care because it makes life much easier to deal with. But, all the sudden, I acknowledged it. All the sudden, I decided to admit how much I lack here. And realizing that you've spent 3 years lacking something, that you still have one more year to go, that you have no way of reconciling that gap? Well, that just feels like shit.

So here I am. I'm stuck on the edge of something and nothing. But, like I said... I need this. Unfortunately.

picnic tables in that schoolyard.

Had the day off because my job no longer exists. Went to the library and hid in the reading room for several hours. Almost finished a whole book. Not quite. Though I am feeling fairly well-versed in photography theory. Stopped by the office. Had hour-long talk with Amber, Rashmi, and several other people sitting around. Subletting cheerleader is an inconsiderate bitch, so she is no longer subletting cheerleader, just dumb cheerleader. Hoping this girl from New York comes through. Went to professor's office hours, but the professor was not in attendance. I consider that rude. "The height of rudeness." Sick of school. Sick of LA. Sick of not seeing Evan, Marie, Charley, Brandon, Mo, Nika, Sammy, Saleh/Adam, Ryan, Greg, Jen, Colin, Travis. Even sick of not seeing Brian. Especially sick of not seeing my parents. And, last but not least, sick of being poor.

Have, however, realized that I am inherently (though in denial about being) a social person and that I can't wait to start my career in publishing and go to Book Expo and meet lots of interesting people.

come and go.

I've been doing a lot of thinking this weekend, and I've decided to be proud of myself.

• I got an advisor for my thesis.
• I had my last day of my internship today, which means I'll be wandering around museums and holing myself in the special collections section of the research library every Monday and Wednesday until the quarter ends. My boss teared up as I left and it made me incredibly sad.
  
• I will be getting paid to take names at an industry event in June.
• Book Expo is coming up. Yay! Free conference, free books, I'm totally going to meet: John Hodgman(!!!) and Thomas Friedman from the New York Times
• I'm going home soon to visit Sammy and see my friends
• My internship is coming up (so so so excited)
• I'm thinking seriously about taking that year off, getting a work visa, and moving to Europe, then going to Columbia's publishing program the summer of 2010 (yeah, right... like I could get in/afford that). I just know I kind of am sick of my own country right now.
  
• One more day until I find out about my scholarship *crosses fingers*
• Every day, I think about how much time I have left to accomplish new things
• Yes, there are shortcomings, but I will cut them off soon
  

melodies.

I lose some sales and my boss won't be happy
But I can't stop listening to the sound
Of two soft voices blended in perfection
From the reels of this record that I found
Everyday there's a boy in the mirror
Asking me what are you doing here
Finding all my previous motives
Growing increasingly unclear

I’ve traveled far and I’ve burned all the bridges
I believed as soon as I hit land
All the other options held before me
Will wither in the light of my plan

So I lose some sales and my boss won't be happy
But there’s only one thing on my mind
Searching boxes underneath the counter
On a chance that on a tape I’d find
A song for
Someone who needs somewhere
To long for

Homesick
Cause I no longer know
Where home is.