far too far.

I've only written one column, but I already want to stop. Under different circumstances, it's possible that I could really enjoy it. But no. Just no.

Leslie's parents come down and visit her a lot and it makes me sad. I wish my parents could just drive down and spend time with me.

I have nothing to say. Just wasting some time. Self-indulgent crap.

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regina again.

You can hear this song and think of me. the "I" is you.

Somedays aren't yours at all
They come and go as if they're someone else's days
They come and leave you behind someone else's face
And it's harsher than yours
And colder than yours.
They come in all quiet, sweep up, and then they leave
And you don't hear a single floor board creak.
They're so much stronger than the friends you try to keep by your side.
Downtown, downtown.
I'm not here, not anymore.
I've gone away.
Don't call me, don't write.

I'm watching old videos, peering back at what I made, wondering when it will be okay to say hello again. Please say hello again soon. I have secrets I need to tell. And listening to you say those wonderful things you said makes me want to be for you again. But I know I can't be yet. It's frustrating and stupid. And I want all of your friends to know that you're all that matters and that no one has ever been better than us. I want my friends to know it too. And the fact that I'm still referring to you as "you" is also frustrating. But it's all I know.

On the not depressing side of my life, my boss is setting up a meeting for me with the head of the publicity department of HarperOne in San Francisco. She also knows someone at Jossey-Bass in San Francisco. And, because of her, I feel like my life may actually begin soon. It's somehow liberating at the same time that it is suffocating. My dream is to work for Chronicle Books though. Not because I think I'd make more money there. I actually think I'd make less. But I just love the books they make. They're beautiful, and I feel like reading them at coffee tables and in small bookstores that play Mozart. Also, my first column for the Daily Bruin comes out Wednesday. And I have a Westwind meeting tomorrow which should be really interesting (discussions of J.F.). And I've made some new friends and rekindled old friendships. Of course, there's always going to be that hole, but I'm starting to think that since I'm not the only one suffering from it, it's a little better.

unedited and nonsensical.

Some things just happen so quickly. You don't even know how far you've come from where you started until you are halfway through your next leap. I generally find it impossible to figure out what I'm doing until I am able to step back and take a look at things in a larger sense. I certainly know that I have made some mistakes in my time - mostly small, some larger.

But right now, I'm looking at myself from afar and I don't know what the hell it is that I am doing. Is it wrong? Is it right? I already know that, if I am doing something wrong, I have done it very wrong. But if I am doing something right, I certainly have a roundabout way of doing it. I just wish I had some sort of concrete definition of all the things I feel.

I just don't want to be ashamed of the truth anymore. I don't want to carry around two versions of myself. I want to reconcile the two amazing people that I am so that I can finally make someone else truly happy. Because as things are right now, all I am able to do is superficial. I have the ability to be happy - even to make someone else happy - but I am not happy. Not in the more general sense. And that's all I want to be. Completely, undebatably, pristinely happy. Maybe I need a new slate for that, maybe I just need some new self-awareness. All I know is that I can't stop where I am. I have to keep going. And it hurts. And it may seem pointless. In the end, though, I just want to come full circle and find that I can confidently determine my own happiness. I suppose, however, that that all depends on the forgiveness of others who I've left behind.

back back back back back.

"Where we're going, we don't need roads."

forever my --.

I lost my fairy tale. And I lost my best friend and the only thing that has ever really truly meant anything to me.

I feel uninspired and lifeless. So I have to leave things at that.

no way.

While it may not make sense to anyone but me, I'm thinking of sonnet 129 and wishing I were French.

I think this quarter is actually going to be fulfilling for me. Although I spent all of my English class wishing Prof. Dimuro were Prof. Post, the reading list is wonderful. Great Gatsby, The Sound and the Fury, Willa Cather, and so on.

And now that I am back to L.A., I am just confused. I'm happy, but something is missing. I couldn't tell you what it is

In good news, Hillary won in New Hampshire. I was actually able to say the phrase "You Go, Girl!" in all seriousness. Knowing our country, we'll end up electing McCain anyway though. You know, the old white guy. We seem to just love them.

sounds and noises.

While I simply cannot believe that winter break ends tomorrow, it did feel unbelievably lengthy. No complaints here, though I wouldn't have minded another week with all of my friends here.

Tonight I had a realization. Sitting at a bar with my best friend Sam and I couldn't believe all of the bullshit going on around me. Thinking of the last three weeks, of the running, of the pounding hearts, of the laughter and board games, I realized that there is nothing more to life than that. I have always been partial to existentialism, but I love how concrete my belief becomes when I actually find distilled happiness in my life. Here I am, one woman, standing strong and looking out over all of the possibilites I have yet to handle, and I know - I know - that as long as I can find happiness like this, everything else will just jog along to catch up with me.

Back to L.A. tomorrow. Each time I return, I wonder how it will look different to me. I will let you know.

running away from yesterday.

Been listening to New Year's-themed songs all day. Maybe to make myself realize that I can now put all of last year behind me and move forward.

This song by Regina Spektor (though I think it may be a re-make of an earlier song) is chillingly beautiful -- my favorite type of beautiful, mind you.

Here's to starting fresh and clean and new and all of the wonderful things I can't predict.

My dear acquaintance, it's so good to know you
For strength of your hand
That is loving and giving
And a happy new year
With love overflowing
With joy in our hearts
For the blessed new year

Raise your glass and we'll have a cheer
For us all who are gathered here
And a happy new year to all that is living
To all that is gentle, kind, and forgiving
Raise your glass and we'll have a cheer
My dear acquaintance, a happy new year

All of those who are hither and yonder
With love in our hearts
We grow fonder and fonder
Hail to those who we hold so dear
And hail to those who are gathered here

And a happy new year to all that is living
To all that is gentle, young, and forgiving
Raise your glass and we'll have a cheer
My dear acquaintance, a happy new year

tractor pulls.

So the Iowa caucus is upon us. The day we small citizens finally get a closer glimpse at the angle journalists will take in the next 11 months of news coverage. But isn't it just a bit absurd that this event is treated with such importance? I mean, we have 50 states, but one tiny little one has the ability to sway the outlook on the rest of the election? Is that really democracy? Or just a way to streamline an otherwise too-democratic process? And all of this brought to you by a small state in the midwest I have never visited and know very little about. That is not to say I don't respect Iowa. Au contraire, I used to be friends with a few Iowans who I loved. I just think it's a bit absurd that my friends over there have louder voices than I do just because of the date of their primary.

december into january.

So Portland, ice skating, rest of the break is scratched. New Year's was fun, though I can barely remember the hours between 12am and 3am.

And I was thinking that I never really thought of resolutions for this year. It's not that I don't have anything to improve on, it's just that I need to resolve to free up some time to think about what to resolve about my life.

I really don't know what I'm saying right now. I'm incredibly tired despite 10 hours of sleep.